I've Forgotten How To Smile

Written December 15, 2007 at 5:15 pm.

I don't know what's up with me lately. I don't feel like doing anything. I'd rather stay in than going out or on vacation. I'm pissed off at my mom. I'm pissed off at myself. I'm back to my old ways, and I want to cry all the time.

I'm currently at the Lei King Wan Harbour Park, which overlooks Victoria Harbour. I really needed alone time. The past 2 months, I was never alone. My family would always accompany me. I'm grown up now. I don't need them to babysit me. Plus, my mom wouldn't be relieved unless I was with someone. It's the little annoying things like that that got me upset in the first place. No one trusts me. They all treat me like a child.

I had a bad row with my mom today, and cried for a good long time. She kept bugging me and wouldn't let it go. So I snapped. I couldn't help it. No matter how many times I said something, she wouldn't listen. How am I supposed to communicate with her if that's how she is? Which is why I'd rather shut up and keep it inside than talk to her. Our "conversations" never end well, or end at all. It's completely frustrating.

I've applied to the University of New Brunswick for September 2008. I've decided to go for the degree - Bachelor of Applied Management in Hospitality and Tourism (BAMHT). I'd rather be away from my mom for 2 years at this point, even though she's paying for ... everything. I need a break from her. I need a break from myself. I need a break from everything.

I feel like I'm in some sort of life limbo. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going, I don't know who I am. I'm lost. Sorry to be all emo, but it happens.

Being out here, watching the harbour waves and the ships sail by [is chilly] calmed me down. It's good to have the sea to look out to for comfort. That's something I can't do at home.

For the next 8 months, I'll have to do some serious thinking. Figuring out my life. Figuring out myself. I'll probably also try to find a job to keep me busy and out of the house (away from my mom). Some extra cash would be good too. I'll need to save up for vacations alone, and to move out as soon as possible. I need to be self-reliant from now on, so I don't have to associate with my mom if I don't have to.

I'm probably making my mom sound like a villain. Truthfully, it's my mom and I who can't get along. She wants to care and is trying to, but I feels she's stifling me. I'm just tired of it all. I need to be away from her so I can live my life. It's, really, all my fault. I can't cope with my mom. She even said that I'm selfish and can't think of anybody else but myself. How can I argue with that? She always wants to be right ... and now she can be ...